Hare Krsna!
This forum topics needed good amount of reflection. I have many spiritual desires, but I was not sure about my core desire. Because of deep material conditioning, my core desire does not manifest clearly in my heart yet. When I started in the Krsna consciousness movement, I had lofty goals. But as my devotional journey progressed and as I continued to chant the holy name, my shortcomings started becoming manifest. I gradually started to realize how fallen, insignificant, and unqualified (for devotional service) I am. This is the potency of chanting the holy name. Ceto Darpana marjana. Our hearts become cleansed as we chant the holy name. In the early days of bhakti, I might have been foolish to desire the personal association of Lord Krsna. But now I feel too distant and unqualified to even aspire for this goal. I am not like Uddhava who particularly desired to achieve the Lord’s association.
“O Vasu, I know from within your mind what you desired in the days of yore when the Vasus and other demigods responsible for expanding the universal affairs performed sacrifices. You particularly desired to achieve My association. This is very difficult for others to obtain, but I award it unto you.” (SB 3.4.11)
In the purport to this verse, Srila Prabhupada writes that everyone is at liberty to desire as he likes, but the desire is fulfilled by the Supreme Lord. Everyone is independent to think or desire, but the fulfillment of one’s desire depends on the supreme will. Only the pure devotees can know, by the mercy of the Lord, that the personal association of the Lord is the highest perfection of life. The Lord assured Uddhava that He would fulfill his desire.
Yes, so desiring the personal association of the Lord is our ultimate goal. But achievement of this goal is realistically too far away because of my existing anarthas and not being fully Krsna consciousness yet. There are many milestones I need to cross to get to the ultimate goal. I need to be a better devotee. I need to aspire to be a pure devotee. I need to learn how to serve the devotees better. I need to learn how to practice kindness, love, tolerance, and compassion. I need to learn how to please my spiritual master. I need to transform my heart. I need to learn how to love Krsna more. I need to learn how to practice gratitude. I need to learn how to practically apply the teachings of Srimad Bhagavatam. I need to learn how to even chant the holy name properly.
Therefore, if I am asked what my core desire at this stage of my bhakti life is, I will say that it is to chant the holy name of the Lord offenselessly. I want to chant the suddha-nama at least once in this lifetime. This is my core and most urgent desire. I understand everything else can be achieved by the pure chanting of the holy name of Lord Krsna. I want to chant more and chant better. This is the goal of my life. Other complementary desires are, I want to always stay in the association of advanced devotees (like our teachers of this course), I want to serve the devotees, and I want to always study and imbibe the teachings of Srila Prabhupada in his books.
“My dear king, the chanting of the holy name of the Lord is able to uproot even the reactions of the greatest sins. Therefore, the chanting of the saṅkīrtana movement is the most auspicious activity in the entire universe. Please try to understand this so that others will take it seriously. One who constantly hears and chants the holy name of the Lord and hears and chants about His activities can very easily attain the platform of pure devotional service, which can cleanse the dirt from one’s heart. One cannot achieve such purification merely by observing vows and performing Vedic ritualistic ceremonies.” (SB 6.3.31-32)
I therefore pray to my dear teachers and all my Vaisnava classmates in this study group to bless me so that my core desire is fulfilled.
All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
Krsna Katha 